This segment ranks among my most favorite moments of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Secondary Phase, Fit the Eleventh, to be precise (the BBC radio series is the True version of the Guide, without all that tedious mucking about with printed pages).
Part of the brilliance is the twisted, yet straightforward, logic of the economic theory itself. But what makes it gold is how the narrative is presented in a teacher-student context, with a rather.. twisted… take on academic incentives. I’ve decided to waste 15 minutes of my life and transcribe the good bit below.
TEACHER: Good morning, lifeform!
STUDENT: Hi teach!
Are you sitting comfortably?
Yes!
Then stand up. Harsh Economic Truths, class 17. Are you standing up?
yes.
Good. Posit. You are living in an exciting, go-ahead civilization. Where are you looking?
Up.
What do you see?
The open sky… the stars… an infinite horizon.
Correct! You may press the button.
Thank you! (tinkly music plays) Oh! That feels nice.
Posit. You are living in a stagnant, declining civilization. Where are you looking?
(subdued) Down.
What do you see?
My shoes.
Correct! What do you do to cheer yourself up?
Um. Press the button?
Incorrect! Think again. Your world is a depressing place. You are looking at your shoes. How do you cheer yourself up?
I buy a new pair.
Correct!
Can I press the button?
All right.
(twinkly music plays) Oh ho! So nice!
Now. Imagine everyone does the same thing. What happens?
Everyone feels nice?
Ah, forget the button, concentrate! Everyone buys new shoes. What happens?
More shoes.
And?
More shoe shops.
Correct.
Can I?
No.
Aww.
And in order to support all these extra shoe shops, what must happen?
Everyone must keep buying shoes.
And how is that arranged?
Manufacturers dictate more and more fashions and make shoes so bad that they either hurt the feet or fall apart.
So that?
Everyone has to buy more shoes.
Until?
Until… everyone gets fed up with lousy rotten shoes.
And then what?
(plaintive) Why can’t I press the button?
And then what? Come on!
Massive capital investment by the manufacturers to try and make people buy the shoes.
Which means?
More shoe shops.
(insistent) And then we reach what point?
(sullen) The point where I press the button again.
(exasperated) All right!
(twinkly music plays) Woo hoo hoo! Ah! That’s so nice! That’s really nice!
And then we reach what point?
(sighing with bliss) The Shoe Event Horizon! The whole economy overbalances! Shoe shops outnumber every other kind of shop! It becomes economically impossible to build anything other than shoe shops, and bingo! I get to press the button again! (twinkly music plays) Wooooo hoooo!!!!
(angry) Wait for permission!!! Now, what’s the final stage?
(distracted) Um. Every shop in the world ends up as a shoe shop.
Full of?
Shoes no one can wear.
Result?
Famine, collapse, and ruin… any survivors eventually evolve into… birds… and never put their feet on the ground again.
Excellent! End of lesson! You may press the button!
(twinkly music plays) Woo hoo hoo! Yee hoo hoo hoo! Oh ho! Oh, that’s nice! Thank you teach, goodbye!
Ahem, aren’t you forgetting something?
What?
Press the other button.
Oh. Right.
(twinkly music plays) Ooh ho ho ho! Woo hah hah hah! Wha ha hah ha ha ha!